


Fame Is Your Shame List

by Killedbycroc



Category: All Time Low
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-12
Updated: 2012-05-12
Packaged: 2017-11-05 06:08:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/403245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Killedbycroc/pseuds/Killedbycroc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After what felt like an eternity of waiting, we were eventually called into the examination room, where Jodie was poked and prodded for five minutes straight, only for the doctor to tell us they needed an ultrasound to know what was happening. Needless to say, I was beginning to get a bit tense.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**_ Alex’s POV _ **

  Today was a big day for both of us – after five months of being in the dark, we were finally going to find out the sex of the baby. Even though me and Jodie had been together for about three years now, we were still technically just going out with each other. And anyway, it’s not like either of us wanted to concentrate on anything else at the moment, what with the baby and all. Still, I wanted us to be married, or at least engaged, before the baby was born, but Jodie was adamant not to, saying that she wanted it to be because we were ready to make that commitment, not because it was the ‘right thing’ to do in these circumstances.

  I squeezed her hand as we were sat in the waiting room. “You okay?” Half-heartedly she nodded, trying to keep herself distracted from what was about to come; Jodie wasn’t the biggest fan of these visits. “You sure?” This time, she shook her head.

  “You know I don’t like coming here Alex,” she mumbled into her protruding stomach. “Everything here freaks me out.”

  “Well,” I whispered into her ear, “you only have to do this for another four months, and then you don’t have to come back here because this beautiful baby,” carefully, I placed my hand on her stomach, “this beautiful thing will be with us properly.”

  I thought that had managed to calm Jodie down, but she still had her worries. “How do you know that, though? What if the baby’s ugly?” Trust her to think of things like that.

  “Believe me, with you as its mother, the only thing it could be is beautiful.” Fortunately, this raised a small smile from her, which somehow managed to calm my own nerves I hadn’t realised I had.

  A few minutes later we were called in. Still holding her hand the entire way, we walked into the room, nervous but excited. I helped Jodie onto the chair, her legs shaking too much to be able support her weight by herself.

  “Are we ready to find out if it’s a boy or girl?” The nurse asked; both of us nodded at the same time, causing Jodie to giggle. “Okay, just lift up your top and we’ll get started.” She did as she was asked, wincing slightly when the gel was applied to her stomach, but her face, along with mine, lit up when that now familiar image appeared on the screen – excitedly, we waited for the nurse’s verdict on the sex of the baby. However, her face soon became puzzled, trying to search for something on the screen. “Sorry, it’s just taking a bit of time, the baby’s laying in an awkward position.” It took about another two minutes before she found what she was looking for. “Ah, here we go,” she turned to face us, a sensitive smile on her face. “You’re having a baby boy.”

  Before my mind could properly comprehend it, I was celebrating. “Yes!” Both Jodie and the nurse looked at me, but only Jodie knew why I was so excited.

  “He thinks this means he can call it a certain name,” she explained to the nurse, “but I’ve already forbidden it, and he knows that.” Strangely, the nurse seemed to understand this; was it really that common to have names marked down as a no before the baby was even born? And anyway, I didn’t see what the problem with the name that I wanted was.

  The rest of the check-up went smoothly, and five minutes later we were out of there, much to the delight of Jodie. “See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?” She looked annoyed as soon as I said that.

  “No, it was worse, because now you’re gonna be going on about calling the baby _that_ for the next four months.”

  I chuckled, and wrapped my arm around her shoulders. “I don’t know what you’re on about.”

 

  Once we got back to the apartment, Jodie instantly flopped down onto the couch, what with walking becoming more tiring for her each day. “So,” she asked me as she took her shoes off, “what do you think we should call him then? And before you say it, I mean serious suggestions.”

  “It _is_ a serious suggestion!” I said, grabbing a bottle of water and handing it to her. “I don’t see what the problem with it is!”

  “I am _not_ calling the baby Jack, and that is final.” Struggling with the bottle, I opened it for her. “Thank you.”

  “Come on, it’s a brilliant idea!” I whined as I sat down by her. “Don’t you think it would be funny to have a little Jack and a big Jack? You have to admit it would be kinda cute.”

  Once again, Jodie stared at me as if I was crazy. “It wouldn’t be cute if he started acting like big Jack.”

  “...Wait, so you’re saying no because you think he’ll turn out like him if we name him Jack?” She nodded, thinking she had finally won. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but people don’t have certain behaviours depending on their name.”

  “Don’t blame me when he starts turning crazy then,” she muttered under her breath.

  “Jodie, he’s my best friend,” I attempted to plead with her, “this would mean the world to him if we did this.”

  It was obvious this was starting to get on her nerves. “Look, I just wouldn’t be comfortable with it, okay?”

  I sighed, holding my hands up in defeat. “Okay then, if that’s how you feel about it, then we won’t call him that.”

  “Thank you,” she mumbled as she wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her face into my chest. Stroking her hair, I felt sorry for her – I was going to make sure he was called Jack, one way or another. But first, I would have to sweet-talk her into it.

  Gently, I put a hand under her chin, lifting her head so I was looking into her baby blue eyes, before placing a kiss on her soft lips; Jodie started to blush almost immediately. “How come you do that every time I kiss you?”

  “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I guess I find it hard to believe that it’s me you want to be kissing.” Sometimes she was just so unbelievable – still she acted like that after being together for three years.

  “Well,” I said as I rubbed her stomach, “we’ve already gotten this far, so I’m going to say you’re allowed to believe it now.” This just caused her to blush even further; God she looked cute when she did that. “You know I love you, don’t you?”

  Shyly, she nodded. “But not as much as I love you.”

  “That isn’t possible. You can’t love me more.”

  “I think I can,” she whispered into my ear. “Unless I’m mistaken, I’m the one that’s currently got two hearts inside of them.”

 

  A couple of nights later, I lay awake in bed, with it finally hitting me that I didn’t know how we were going to pay for all the baby stuff – sure I had more money now than before, but it was still going to be expensive, and there was going to be a lot of it. While I tried to grasp the concept of being wiped clean by a thing no longer than a pillow, I noticed beside me that Jodie was struggling to sit up.

  “Hey, what are you doing?” I asked as I helped her up. “You need to get as much sleep as you can.”

  She screwed her face up, looking like she was in pure agony. “I know, it’s just... I think the baby’s being a bit awkward about where it wants to sleep.”

  “Where does it hurt?” In too much pain to say anything, Jodie simply pointed at her stomach. “Come on, we’re going to the hospital.”

  “No, don’t worry, it’ll probably pass in a few minutes.”

  “I’m not arguing with you here Jodie,” I said whilst turning the light on, trying to find some clothes. “We’re going, and that’s final.”

  Desperately, she started to bargain with me. “If I let you call the baby Jack, will you not make me go?”

  “No. I mean yes. Wait...” I shook my head; damn her for trying to confuse me! “This is more important than names.” As soon as I said that, Jodie knew she had no chance of winning the argument.

  “Fine then,” she sighed as she manoeuvred herself out of bed, “but I’m telling you now, it’ll be a total waste of time, and then I will sit on you for stopping me from sleeping.”

  Calming her down, I gave her a kiss. “Okay then, but I’d rather be safe than sorry here.”

  “I already said okay! Now hurry up before I change my mind.” Looking at the time, I saw it was three in the morning – this was going to be the longest morning of my life.

 

  After what felt like an eternity of waiting, we were eventually called into the examination room, where Jodie was poked and prodded for five minutes straight, only for the doctor to tell us they needed an ultrasound to know what was happening. Needless to say, I was beginning to get a bit tense. We transferred rooms, and thankfully, the ultrasound was set up quickly. The doctor studied the image on the ultrasound machine, his face becoming confused, perplexed, but finally he saw something that caught his attention.

  “Is... is everything okay?” It felt like the words were trapped in my throat, dying to escape but not knowing where to go.

  The doctor turned to us. “How long have you been having these cramps?”

  Jodie looked at me, as if she needed confirmation to answer. “Maybe an hour, hour and a half max.”

  “And how long ago did they stop?”

  “...They haven’t.”

  Giving us his most sympathetic expression, he explained the situation. “I’m afraid the umbilical cord is wrapped around the baby’s neck. The only way we can deal with this is if we get an emergency caesarean done, but it must be now, and you have to understand that the baby will be severely premature, meaning its chances of survival will be much lower than with a normal birth.” _What?_ When the hell did this all get so serious? Before the only thing I had to worry about were Jodie’s mood swings, but now there was a chance the baby won’t actually _survive_?

  “Do it.” I stared at Jodie, hardly believing that those words had just come out of her mouth – for starters, she doesn’t like the thought of knives and scalpels cutting her open, let alone the scars they leave, and anyway, how could she have thought it through in two seconds? Seeing my expression, she knew it had to be explained. “If there’s even the smallest chance of saving him, then it’s got to be done.”

  As they wheeled her off into surgery, I gave her one last hug. “You are the bravest person that I know, and I truly mean that.” Weakly, she smiled back, and then she disappeared. Since this was an emergency caesarean, I wasn’t allowed in there to be with her, so I had to settle for watching through the window, but I made sure her eyes were on me the entire time. Even though the screen was up so she couldn’t see what was happening, I could see in her eyes that every touch was like agony. “Don’t worry,” I mouthed to her, “I’m not going anywhere.” Jodie tentatively smiled at me, but my attention was diverted to the small pink mess that all the medical people were lifting up out of her; as fast as they could, they wrapped him up in a blanket and began to remove something from his throat. The only thing that I could think about right then was ‘Wait, isn’t he supposed to be crying or something?’ Luckily, mere seconds later, he started to bawl as loudly as he could, and I breathed a sigh of relief – he was going to be okay.

 

  I must have been staring at him for about half an hour, but I didn’t care; I could have stood there and watched him all day if I was able to. Actually, I didn’t notice I was lost to the world until Jodie had to throw a plastic cup at me to get my attention, seeing as she couldn’t get out of the bed.

  “Sorry,” I absentmindedly murmured, “it’s just a bit hard to wrap my head around all of this so soon.”

  “I know. Think I can get a look-in now?” She craned her neck, desperate for even a glimpse.

  “You know you’ve got to rest.” Her face dropped when I said that; I hated seeing her like that. “Give me a sec.” Making sure that no-one else was around, I got my phone out and took a quick picture, before handing the phone to Jodie. “There you go, now you can stare at him for as long as you want to.” The way that her face lit up when she saw the picture was incredible.

  “Wow.” Even if she didn’t admit it, I knew she was trying to hold back tears. “I didn’t expect him to come out of this morning. I really thought we’d be back home by now, and that he’d still be inside me. Guess he was just too impatient for that. Then again, did you hear him crying? I wouldn’t be surprised if he turned out like you...” After that, she couldn’t say any more, the tears beginning to roll thick and fast.

  “Shhh,” I wiped away her tears, “he’s going to be okay, I promise that.”

  It took a minute or so for her to properly calm down. “I know, it’s just... it’s just I’m scared about what we’re going to do next. I mean, he’s going to spend the first months of his life in a hospital instead of at home. Nobody should have to do that.”

  “It’s best if he’s here though – they can look after him and make sure he gets better.” Everything around us became silent, except for the occasional sniffle from Jodie. “So what do you think we should name him then?”

  “What do you mean?” She stared at me, confused.

  “Well he’s going to need a name so people know what to call him.”

  “I know what a name’s for, you idiot.” For a second she paused, looking like she was deliberating with herself. “Well, I do have one suggestion.”

  “Sure, what is it?” I waited to hear whatever stupid name she had lined up.

  A smile played on the edge of her lips. “I was thinking of Jack.” Wait... did she just say what I think she just said? But before I could thank her, somebody beat me to it.

  “Dude, are you being serious? That’s just... I can’t... Thank you!!!” Jack rushed over and nearly squeezed the life out of me before carefully hugging Jodie. “You seriously don’t know how much this means to me.”

  “Believe me, I do, what with this moron here,” she said as she pointed to me. “He wouldn’t shut up about it ever since he had the idea, which has made it a _very_ long four months.”

  We all talked for a little longer, and then I remembered something that I needed to get from the apartment. “Um, you don’t mind if I pop home for a second? I just need to grab something, I promise I’ll be straight back.”

  “Okay sweetie,” Jack sighed, “but if you leave the lid off the toothpaste _one more time_ then we will need to have a serious word about the issue.”

  Sometimes I had to remind myself why I even knew this guy, let alone be friends with him. “Thanks for that Jack, but that was more aimed at Jodie...”

  “Fine, don’t worry about my womanly needs then!” Ignoring him, I looked at Jodie, who simply smiled.

  “Of course I don’t mind. Just don’t be gone for too long.” I placed a quick kiss on her cheek, and then as quickly as I could, I raced back to the apartment, anxious to grab what I needed so I could get back to her as soon as possible.

  “Shit,” I muttered to myself as I looked in the wardrobe, “I know I put it somewhere around here...” Desperately searching through everything in my reach, I was interrupted by my phone ringing – it was Jack. “Fucking bastard, why does he have to call now?” Calming myself down, I answered it. “Hey.”

  “Alex,” it wasn’t Jack on the other end of the phone, but Jodie, and she sounded like she was having a hard time breathing. “Come... come... come back now.”

  “What’s wrong?” All I heard was some inaudible noise. “Jodie, calm down and tell me slowly.”

  It took a moment before she could speak again. “It’s the baby, he... he... he stopped breathing and they tried to resuscitate him, but... but they said his lungs were... they were too weak to begin with and...”

  “And what?” But she didn’t need to say it; I already knew what was coming next.

  “He’s gone, Alex. Jack’s gone.” I didn’t hear what she said after that – as the phone slid from my grasp, I dropped to my knees, feeling like I had been stabbed a thousand times over. The baby who never had a chance was gone from our lives forever.

 

  That following week was possibly one of the hardest weeks I’ve ever had to live, no doubt about it. Everything around us came to a standstill, like nothing really mattered anymore. For the first day that she was out of hospital, all Jodie did was lay in the dark, not uttering a word at all; I tried to keep her company for a bit, but she seemed uncomfortable with me around, so I left her, going for a walk to clear my head. It really was a lot to try and comprehend, especially in such a short amount of time, especially when we had been given false hope. Everywhere I looked, I hoped to see something to tell me that it hadn’t actually happened, and that it was some kind of horrible nightmare, but it all stayed as the same painfully harsh reality. When facing the truth became too much to deal with, I headed back to the apartment, each step feeling like it was an eternity.

  As I walked through the door, all it took was one glance at me to set Jodie off into tears. “Hey, don’t cry.” I wrapped my arms around her, trying to soothe her, but I didn’t know what I could do to help her. “Have you had anything to eat?” Warily, she shook her head, not understanding what it had to with her emotional state. Carefully unravelling myself from Jodie, I went and grabbed a cookie before handing it to her. Taking it, she stared at the cookie for a couple of seconds, and then she headed back into the bedroom. It was definitely going to take some time until we would get back to normal again.

 

  A few days later, after coming back from what must have been like my fifth walk, I arrived back to see Jodie sitting on the floor, staring into thin air.

  “What’s wrong?” As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I knew I’d made a huge mistake.

  “What’s wrong?” She stood up, never letting her gaze stray from me. “Are you _seriously_ asking me what’s wrong?” How _stupid_ can you be?!”

  “I didn’t mean it like that...” But I couldn’t stop her now.

  “What the hell do you _think’s_ wrong with me? Or have you just forgotten what happened a couple of days ago?”

  I moved closer to her. “Hey, that’s not fair and you know it. You’re not the only one that’s been suffering here, you know!”

  “Well it _really_ seems like that at the moment!” That comment stopped me dead in my tracks.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” It took all my energy to keep my voice calm, masking the rage that was bubbling beneath my skin.

  Jodie turned her back on me. “You’re not acting like you’ve got anything to be upset about, and you’re always heading out to somewhere.”

  “And you think that means I don’t _care_?” I lost it, starting to shout and not caring who could hear me. “Just because I’m not being depressive all the fucking time doesn’t mean that I don’t care! And you can’t blame me for being out all the time when you obviously don’t want me around!”

  “No,” she spun round, her face looking like she was on the verge of tears, “it just means I have these things called _feelings_. Maybe you’ll wanna give them a try sometime, oh wait, you’ll have to stop being so fucking self-centred first!”

  “I can’t _stop_ doing something that I haven’t even _started_ doing in the first place!” I contemplated kicking the couch, but thought better of it when I realised what would probably happen to my foot as a result. So I had to take my anger out in some other spiteful, malicious way. “You know, I really don’t know why I bother sometimes. It’s obvious that nothing I do is good enough for you.”

  Jodie’s voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Oh yeah? Well why don’t you just go then, save us both the hassle.”

  My better judgement was telling me to not retaliate to that, to go and hug her and say that things would get better, but I ignored it, my mind not being able to think logically anymore. “I’d be glad to. At least that way I won’t get accused of absolute bullshit!” Storming out, I slammed the door behind me, sick of these fucking things called emotions.

 

  “Want another?” I looked at the guy behind the bar, with it taking me a couple of seconds for my eyes to focus again.

  “No, I’m okay.” Waving him away, I slumped onto the counter, wondering when life just got so hard to live – it wasn’t like I asked for any of this to happen to me. Why the hell did I have to storm out like that? Obviously it wasn’t going to help, and now the situation was a hundred times worse than before. At that moment, however, my thoughts were interrupted by a very painfully loud shriek.

  “Oh my God!” Some blonde girl, obviously very drunk, came and sat down beside me. “You’re the guy from that band, aren’t you? Wow, you’re just so amazing!” I think I grunted back some response, clearly not in the mood for any sort of socialisation, but she carried on regardless. “You know,” she began to run her hand up my leg, “I think guys in bands have better experience in certain areas, if you get what I mean.”

  “Sorry,” I told her as I brushed her hand away, “I’m not interested.” As I began to walk away, she followed me like some lovesick puppy.

  “If you’re worried that I’ll tell anyone, then I won’t, promise.” Stopping, I turned around and properly looked at her face for the first time – she was pretty, no doubt about it, but something about all her make-up and short skirt just screamed ‘fake’ to me.

  “Are you really that desperate that you have to beg me?” I sighed, hoping she would get the message to go away, but I knew better than most people that once that alcohol was in your system, it was impossible to think straight anymore.

  She shrugged. “Well something tells me that you wouldn’t be here if you had something more important to do.” Somewhere in my head, that rang a bell, but the alcohol made it too hard for me to think clearly. “And anyway, they say there’s nothing better than seizing the moment when you can…” I _really_ , truly and honestly, don’t know what came over me, but the next thing I knew, I was pressing her up against the wall, my mouth desperately trying to find some grip on hers. Somewhere, deep in my mind, I think I wanted to just be allowed to be someone who I was comfortable being again – the kid that didn’t care about the consequences of what he did, and just lived for the moment, for that one intense rush of excitement. Between us, I could feel her heart beginning to race, the instantaneous and shock of it becoming nearly too much for her to bear; I felt absolutely nothing for her, like she wasn’t an actual person, but rather a doll without thoughts or feelings. Then I remembered why I was even here in the first place, and all previous uneasy thoughts I had went out of the window, along with my final shred of dignity.

 

  As I woke up, the only thing I could feel was my throbbing head, stopping me from making any movement whatsoever. Luckily, it was still dark, so at least my eyes didn’t have to suffer – yet. Trying to move as carefully as possible, I felt something stirring beside me. And then I remembered what happened the night before. Why the fuck had I been so stupid? I mean, what the hell did I think it was gonna do, because it sure as hell didn’t help me at all. Looking at the bundle next to me, I realised that I didn’t even know her name – truly I had sunk to the lowest place. Carefully, so as not to disturb her, I got up and left, knowing that I could never let Jodie find out about what I had done; if I was ashamed of it, God knows what her reaction would be.

  Praying that she would still be asleep at four in the morning, I unlocked the door, trying to make minimal noise, but it was all in vein as she shot up off the couch, that look in her eye like she was a rabbit caught between headlights. Obviously she was trying to act like she wasn’t bothered about it, except I knew Jodie, so she wouldn’t have been able to think about anything else.

  “I was…” She couldn’t even make eye contact with me; it felt like she already knew what I had done. A few seconds passed, neither of us wanting to admit we were wrong. “I’m sorry. About before, I mean. I know I shouldn’t have snapped, it’s just…” Before she could finish her sentence, Jodie burst into floods of tears again, though this time I was fortunately unselfish enough to go and comfort her.

  “It’s not your fault,” I whispered, breathing in the scent of her hair, but somehow I felt like I wasn’t worthy of it. “We’ve both been through a lot, and I shouldn’t have acted like that with you…” After that, I couldn’t say anything else, the words feeling like they were choking me. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes, trying to regain some of what we had before everything came crashing down around us, and it felt like we were getting somewhere, it really did.

  Jodie pulled away first, wiping away some of the tears that had appeared. She opened her mouth to say something, but she stopped herself just before any sound came out, and reached a hand up to touch my cheek. “What’s this?”

  “What do you mean?” I put my hand on the same place, becoming confused when I didn’t feel anything there.

  Like a child’s, her eyes widened, almost like they were disbelieving what they were seeing. “Alex,” she desperately tried to keep her voice from shaking, but it wasn’t successful, “why do you have lipstick on your cheek?” In that instant, I could feel everything that was already precariously balancing come falling back down, ruining whatever sort of normality we had. Even though I didn’t realise it at first, I never gave Jodie an answer – not that she actually needed any verbal confirmation anyway. “Oh my God...” She began to stumble backwards, looking for a way out of this conversation.

  “I can explain,” I said as I moved closer towards her, but she never let the distance between us change.

  “You think you can _explain_ this? Go on then, explain to me why you made out with some girl, and why you thought I wasn’t going to notice it.” Once again, I didn’t – couldn’t – answer her. “Don’t... you actually _slept_ with her?” For a moment I thought she might have stopped breathing.

  “It was a mistake. I never meant anything to happen between us, I swear down.” No response. “Jodie?” I forced myself to look her in the eyes – my final mistake.

  “Get out.” There was no room for doubt in her voice; it was clear what she wanted, never letting her tone falter for a moment. “Get out and never come back.”

  “Please...”

  “Oh, you think that’s going to work?” She flew off into a rage. “You _really_ are unbelievable, you really are something. I thought that for once I could be with someone who knew what it meant to be in a relationship, but they seem to be getting worse each fucking time. You... you...”

  “It didn’t mean anything to me, I swear!” I tried to argue back, but I knew it was a battle I was never going to win.

  “Get out!” Now desperate, she started to push me out of the still unlocked door, the tears running down her face again. “I’d rather die than ever fucking see you again!” With that, Jodie slammed the door, leaving me locked out of the apartment.

  “Please, just let me explain! I was drunk...” Furiously, I slammed my fists against the door, not willing to believe that I had just destroyed everything too far beyond repair, but I had to give up when I got no response. What the hell was I supposed to do now? I didn’t have anywhere else that I could go, not at this time of the morning at least. In the end, I decided to go for a couple of hours, and hope that when I returned she would have calmed down enough to listen to me. Not that I blamed her for slamming a door in my face after what I had done.

 

  Heading back to the apartment, I wasn’t holding out much hope that Jodie was willing to listen to me now, but I knew that I had to try at the very least, even if I could confidently predict the outcome of it. Tentatively, I knocked on the door, and was surprised to see it open the smallest bit – however, it wasn’t because Jodie had opened it so quickly, but rather that it was unlocked, though I swear it was locked when I left...

  “Jodie?” I called out, and even though the sunlight was starting to stream through the windows, it was still pretty dark inside. Turning to close the door, I saw a piece of paper with my name messily scrawled on it stuck to the door – needless to say, I grabbed it and began reading it instantly, noticing that the bottom of the paper was damp.

  _Alex,_

_I found the ring. It was inside one of your Converse – don’t ask me what I was doing looking there, but I found it anyway. You have no idea how beautiful that thing is, how much it symbolises for the both of us... so for those reasons, hopefully by the time you get back, I won’t be here anymore. You may think it’s unfair because you never got to tell me your side of it, but I just really can’t do this now, not after what you went and did. Do you even know how much that hurt me when you did that? And it’s not just because you cheated on me either – it’s the fact that you went and abused your fame for your own use, not caring who got hurt in the process, so long as you got all that you wanted. I honestly thought that I could trust you with anything at all... I won’t lie, I didn’t always tell you everything, but it was because I was worried that it might make things bad between us, like having a baby – it scared the crap out of me, the thought of being responsible for somebody else’s life when it barely feels like I managed to survive through my own, plus the fact that I don’t actually like kids that much, but something about the thought of going through it with you made it all seem a lot better, like I wouldn’t screw it all up. But I did in the end, and that’s another thing – the reason why I was weird with you when I first came out of hospital is because I felt like I had failed you. I wanted to tell you that, but it was like you were trying to put a distance between us, and I was confused right then, so I didn’t know if that was what you actually wanted or what, plus I just couldn’t deal with any mind games, I just needed to know how you felt. I wish you could have talked to me – that’s all I wanted, to know that we were going through the same thing together. But none of that matters now, because I guess what I’m trying to say is that even though this may have seemed right at the beginning, I don’t think we can be together anymore._

_I’m sorry._

  Only once I had finished reading did I realise that my hands were shaking uncontrollably, making all the words of the page blur together. Without even realising what I was doing, I pulled my phone out and called her, anxiously waiting to hear even the calling tone. One ring, two rings and still no response – but then I heard a noise in the background. Moving the phone from my ear, I recognised the song as Jodie’s ringtone, and it was coming from the bathroom; almost in an instant, I had ran over to the other side of the room, and was desperately trying to prise the door open

  “Come on Jodie, let me in, I know you’re in there!” Though it felt like there was some resistance, I eventually managed to get the door open, and when I did, I could hardly comprehend the site that lay in front of me – drops of red scattered the floor in every direction, before pooling around the base of a bloodied knife, its shiny blade tarnished forever. But that was all just in the background, as my gaze focused on Jodie; her wrists were slashed, badly, and she was pitifully holding them in the bath, which seemed to be filled with scalding water. As soon as I stepped into the room, her head darted round to look at me, tears almost spilling from the base of her eyes.

  “I can’t do it,” she murmured painfully. No thought was needed at all, as I knelt down beside her and embraced her as tightly as I possibly could – it was at that moment that I let everything out.

  “I’m sorry, I never meant to hurt you – you’re all that matters to me. I love you so, so much.” Jodie didn’t reply verbally, but I felt her tears falling, mixing in with mine. Scared of losing her again, I held her tightly, her blood soaking through my shirt.


	2. Chapter 2

**_ Jodie’s POV _ **

  Embarrassed, the only thing I could do was stare down at my feet, refusing to make eye contact with anybody at all – including Alex. He had dragged me down to the emergency room, also making an amateur attempt to bandage my wrists, which were still bleeding quite badly. Why did he have to come in? I kept thinking to myself, over and over again. If he had just been five minutes later, then I wouldn’t have had to bother with this, or anything else, ever again.

  “How are you feeling?” I didn’t bother replying to him, not really wanting to get dragged into a conversation. “Come on, you can’t ignore me forever. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to talk to me.” Thankfully, I was called in at that moment, but Alex followed me in. Obviously he wasn’t getting the hint.

  “So what happened here then?” The doctor asked me; feeling partly ashamed, I simply peeled back my sleeves to reveal my wrists. “Ah. And how did this happen?”

  Before I had chance to open my mouth, Alex jumped in with an answer. “She caught them on the edge of a knife when she tripped over.” Even I knew that nobody was going to believe that – self-injury cuts were always a lot deeper than accidental ones, and the hospital were certainly going to pick up on that.

  Looking as unconvinced as I was, the doctor removed the bandages to examine then, and the look on his face said it all. After some consideration, he delivered his verdict. “No major blood vessels are damaged, so it just needs stitches, which I’ll get one of the nurses to do. I’ll also write you a prescription for some painkillers, and then you’ll need to come back in two weeks to get the stitches removed.” Leaving the room to get a nurse, I assumed, we were left alone once more.

  “Good thing he believed that.” Once again, I didn’t respond. “Why won’t you speak to me?” As he tried to put his arms around me, I shrunk away from his touch, wanting to get as far away as possible. Fortunately, the door opened and the nurse entered, holding a tray full of medical supplies. Not uttering a word as she did her job, Alex tried to reach for my hand, in what I guessed was an attempt to calm me down, but I moved once again, causing the nurse to sigh in annoyance at me. After that, he didn’t try to touch me anymore.

  Not being one of the most pleasant experiences I had had, the stitches seemed to take forever, but once it was over, I practically jumped up from the chair and ran out of the room, desperate to crawl under a duvet and never emerge again. Fate seemed to have another plan for me, however. “You forgot your painkillers,” the nurse called after me. Stopping in my tracks, I slowly turned round to face her, only to find Alex accepting the box on my behalf.

  “Thanks,” he told her, before making his way over to escort me out. “You should be careful Jodie, or else you’ll end up here again.” Still I didn’t react to him, but I could feel myself beginning to crack under the pressure of it all. “Please, _why_ won’t you speak to me?”

  “Why the fuck do you think Alex?” I finally muttered underneath my breath.

  “It was a mistake! It meant nothing to me...”

  “Well it means something to me,” I snapped back. “It means that you can’t think of anyone but yourself, and that other people’s feelings mean _nothing_ to you.”

  “I was drunk! How the fuck was I meant to know what I was doing?” By this point, I was sick of it all – the arguing, the tears, the battered emotions – and I just stormed off, not really knowing what I was doing anymore. “Hey, where are you going?” Behind me, I heard footsteps pounding along the pavement, so I sped up, desperately trying to escape. “Hey!” I didn’t notice anything around me anymore, blocking it all out so I could focus on just getting as far away from here as possible, except for when a hand grabbed tightly onto my arm, bringing me to a halt. “Just tell me where you’re going.”

  Unable to think, I shook my head. “I think it’ll be best for both of us if I stay with Soph for a couple of days.”

  “O-okay then.” Obviously he looked shaken by what I’d just said, but I couldn’t handle us anymore, not after what had happened. Letting go of my arm, I began to walk away again, never daring to look back.

 

  Everything after that was pretty much numb in terms of emotions – I grabbed a few clothes and my laptop, shoved them into a bag, and found myself standing outside of Soph’s apartment, trying to fight back tears. I knew it was half ten in the morning, but I was almost certain that she’d be awake, so I wasn’t bothered about how loudly I pounded on the door.

  “Every time! Do you have to...” Her expression completely changed once she saw it was me at her door. “Oh my God, what happened?” Instantly, Soph pulled me inside and gave me the biggest bug ever.

  “I... I... Alex slept with someone else.”

  “ _What?!_ ” Her grip on me tightened, but it did nothing to comfort me. “Let me tell you, when I next see him...”

  Pulling away, I shook my head. “No, don’t bother Soph.”

  “...But what he did, it’s lower than anything he could have done. Do you really want him to get away with this?” By now, my tears were falling too fast for me to make any sense whatsoever, so I simply pulled back my sleeves, and heard a gasp escape from Soph. “Please don’t tell me you did that.”

  “I just need a place to stay for a couple of days,” I told her, ignoring her previous comment. However, she wasn’t as willing to drop the subject.

  “Jodie, tell me what happened to your wrists.”

  Sighing, I knew there was no way out of it. “I cut them, okay?! And if he hadn’t had come in when he did I would have been happily dead and nothing would have mattered anymore.” Daring to glance at her face, my heart broke – the look she gave me was one of utter disappointment, and I couldn’t blame her either. “I should go...”

  “No,” Soph reached out to stop me, “don’t. I’m not saying you can’t stay here... but _why_ would you do that? Why?”

  “It was all too much for me. I thought... I thought he was the one thing that I could depend on, no matter what, and then he went and did that to me. You have no idea how alone I felt right then.”

  “I’m always here for you...” she sheepishly replied.

  “I know.” For a couple of seconds we stood there, neither of us knowing what to say to the other person.

  “Let’s put your stuff in the spare room then.” Grabbing my lonesome bag, I followed Soph, feeling like I couldn’t sink any lower if I wanted to.

 

  I’m guessing that I must have fallen asleep, as the next thing I realised, I was laying, feeling groggy, in a bed that I didn’t recognise. Not having the energy to do anything else, I stayed there, keeping the covers pulled up over my face so as my eyes received as little light as possible. A few minutes later I fell asleep again, but each time I drifted off, my eyes shot open again, too afraid to face the images that appeared to me. They were always the same as well – me staring at a dead baby, its tiny wrists slashed, holding the body underwater until it disappeared completely. After that, I was too afraid to so much as blink in case they came back again. But my eyes did close again, and the images found their way to haunt me once more – except this time, Alex was there, staring at me with that look of disappointment on his face, the exact same one that Soph had. When I woke up from that one, I had the most terrible sensation on my chest, like it was slowly being crushed until nothing of it remained. Bringing my knees up to my chest in a pathetic attempt to make the pain go away, I cried, wishing that everything could be forgotten by the morning. But little did I know that it was only the first of several sleepless nights, filled with the lost tears that I had been searching for so long that had decided to come at exactly the wrong time.

 

  A week passed – I wasn’t sure, I had begun to lose count of the days and nights when they started to all blend into each other – before anything new happened in my life to break the monotonous cycle that I was beginning to get used to. I was sat on the couch, knees pulled into my chest once more, when I heard voices very faintly talking just outside the apartment door. Being curious, I heaved myself up and pressed an ear against the door to listen in.

  “Are you _insane_?!” Soph yelled. “This couldn’t have been worse timing if you fucking tried!”

  “I’m not the one who planned this all, am I?” Jack retaliated.

  “But you’re going to be away for three months! How the hell do you think she’s gonna feel when she finds out about this?!”

  “I don’t know! Look... maybe it’s best if they have some time apart for a little while, get their heads sorted and all.”

  “She _needs_ him, Jack. It’s obvious.”

  “Oh, so _that’s_ why I heard you saying that you were going to slowly strangulate him and chop his balls off in his sleep last week then!”

  “He freaking cheated on her!”

  “He didn’t know what he was doing!”

  “And that makes it alright, does it?!”

  “I’m not saying that, but if you’d just _listen_...” Sick of the conversation, Soph headed back into the apartment, and noticed me listening in immediately.

  “Oh, Jodie, I didn’t know you were there...” I shrugged my shoulders, finding that words had escaped me once more. “Um... Jack has something to tell you.”

  Sheepishly, he stuck his head round the door. “Yeah, you see... a couple of days ago, we got offered this spot in a really kick-ass tour at the last minute, and our manager accepted before talking to us, so we’re kind of tied into it now. It’s gonna be for about three months.” By the end, his voice was almost a whisper. “We leave in two days.”

  “So? What does it have to do with me?”

  “Soph thought that you might want to know, in case you wanted to talk to Alex or something before we go...”

  “I have nothing to say to him.” Swiftly I moved back towards the couch, not wanting anything to do with this conversation any more.

  “Come on,” Jack followed me over, “he’s a fucking wreck at the moment. All he wants to know is that you’re alright.”

  “Tell him I’ll live.”

  “That’s not what I meant,” he sighed, “and you know it.”

  “...I’m just not ready to see him yet.” Pulling my knees up to my chest, I bit my lip in an attempt to stop myself from crying.

  “Two days, Jodie. That’s all I’m saying.” Getting up, he kissed Soph before closing the apartment door behind him, leaving me completely at her mercy.

  “I’m not going to force you to, but I think that talking to Alex would be a good idea.”

  I couldn’t deal with this pressure anymore. “When the _fuck_ are you going to leave me the hell alone and realise that I don’t want to?! If he’s such a mess, then he shouldn’t have slept with her, should he?” In my mind, I knew I had to get out of there. “I... I’m sorry. I’m just...” Soph wouldn’t even look at me, so I knew I’d really upset her. Carefully, I slunk away back to the fortress of my room, knowing that at least nothing in there could hurt me, unlike the real world.

 

  As expected, I let those two days pass without making any effort to contact Alex – well if he was such a wreck, then surely he would made the effort to come see me, though it didn’t bother me either way. I faintly remember when Jack said bye to Soph, because he tried to get me to talk to Alex again, but I wasn’t having any of it, and so let him go without so much as a goodbye. Soph was still pretty angry at me as well because she didn’t talk to me after I shouted at her, so I moved back into my apartment, not really that bothered if anybody cared for me anymore. The two weeks passed, and I found myself back at the hospital, getting my stitches removed – alone. This experience was even less pleasant than having them in the first place, but I managed to bear it, only to have something a hundred times worse happen next.

  “So,” the nurse asked me, “where’s that guy that was with you last time?”

  “He went away,” I mumbled, not really wanting to start a conversation.

  “Gone anywhere nice?”

  “I don’t know.” After that, she thankfully shut up and actually got on with her fucking job. Once it was done, I tried to escape, but yet again I was stopped just from the edge of freedom.

  “Oh, it says on your notes that the doctor wants to have a consultation with you. If you’d just like to wait here whilst I go fetch him...” Closing the door behind her, I slumped back down into the chair, knowing that I was trapped here whether I liked it or not.

  It must have been at least another fifteen minutes before the door opened again. “So I hear the stitches worked well?” I refused to make eye contact with him, and luckily he stopped with the small chat. “I need you to be honest with me now... Did you cause those cuts yourself?” Not wanting to talk, I nodded. “Why did you do it?”

  I knew I had to talk now, but the words had a hard time coming out of my mouth. “...It’s not been the easiest time for me at the moment. I’m sure you know that from my medical records.” Clearly my knowledge of this caught him off-guard, but he carried on regardless.

  “Isn’t there anyone that you could have spoken to?”

  “Not anymore.” Well, not since I refused to let anyone into my life anymore.

  Then came the killer question. “Did you intend to end your life?”

  “Yes.”

  Speaking in a professional manner, he explained the ‘situation’ to me. “I believe that you are currently suffering from depression.” Well no shit Sherlock, I thought. A trained monkey could have told me that. “I’m going to set you on a course of anti-depressants. We’ll go for a month’s supply to begin with, and then see how you are after that.” After the verdict was delivered, I felt too embarrassed to look at him, or anyone else for that matter, and so let him go get the blasted drugs that would make me feel nothing at all. “Right,” he said as he handed me a large pill bottle, “take two of these twice a day.”

  Taking the bottle, I left quietly without a word, managing to hold it all in until I got back to the solitary confinement of my apartment.

 

  Those next few weeks were some of the loneliest that I’d ever experienced, nobody attempting to make contact with me, and vice versa – it didn’t bother me though, since it meant that I was allowed to continue with my monotonous daily cycle with no interruptions. Some days I had to remind myself to eat, and then there were other days when it took sheer determination to not eat everything in the cupboards and fridge – I found the days where I didn’t eat to be easiest, because it meant that I actually managed to get to sleep, what with having no energy and all. But every day, without fail, the same battered and torturing thoughts ran through my head, never letting me forget the scars that I had caused, both physical and mental.

  One night I was lying in bed, unable to get to sleep because of all the food sitting uneasily in my stomach, when all of a sudden there was a random noise in my room. Instantly freezing, I pulled the covers up, trying to hide myself or make whatever it was go away. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up...”

  Removing the covers slowly, I looked in the direction where the voice had just come from. “Oh shit,” I murmured to myself, as I realised that I had left my laptop on – and up on the screen was Alex, who was currently watching me through my webcam.

  “Jodie?” But I couldn’t bring myself to move, too in shock that I was seeing him for the first time in God knows how long. “Um... sorry about this, I guess I should go...”

  “No,” I found myself saying, though I had no idea why. “Don’t go.” Turning on the light, I picked up the laptop and sat down with it on the bed. “Do you even realise what time it is here?”

  Resisting a smile, he answered. “Well, since it says 11:21 on the clock behind you, that’s what I’m gonna go with.” Glancing down briefly at the time on the screen, I saw that it was, in fact, 11:21, which left me to wonder when my life had become so pathetic that I was trying to get to sleep before midnight – obviously, I didn’t need to do that much thinking to find the answer.

  “Oh. It felt like later than that...”

  Neither of us said anything for the next couple of seconds, an awkward tension building up between us, even though we were hundreds of miles apart. “So how are your wrists?”

  “Yeah, they’ve healed now,” I said as I held them up to the webcam, “shouldn’t be any permanent damage or anything... How’s the tour going?”

  “It’s been awesome! Every show so far has been sold out, which means that there’s more people to watch Jack being a total twat...” Alex continued to speak, but I couldn’t concentrate anymore – all that was going through my head was the thought of him being with someone else, having thoughts of them running through his head. It was too much for me to cope with.

  “I can’t do this, I’m sorry...” Closing the conversation and shutting down the laptop, I turned off the light, before crying myself to sleep once more.

 

  When I woke up the next morning, everything from the night previous came rushing back to me, but instead of it causing me to burst into tears, I simply felt hollow, all emotions seeming to have left me. Reaching for my phone and turning it on as I usually did, I began to wonder why I bothered anymore; it wasn’t like there was anyone around left to care for me after I’d pushed them all away. A beeping from my phone distracted me from my thoughts, which surprised me since I hadn’t had any texts for the last couple of days. Checking it, I swear that my breathing stopped – on the screen in front of me was the picture of Jack in the incubator, as well as a message. _I know that you might not want to talk to me at the moment, but I thought you’d want this. Please don’t keep everything bottled up though, I’m always here to talk if you want to x_

  Unable to do anything else, I stared at the picture, residing myself to what was to be yet another day spent alone in bed.


	3. Chapter 3

**_ Alex’s POV _ **

  Once I’d sent that message, I waited for a response – I wasn’t expecting her to say that she’d forgiven me, but I just wanted to know if it was the right thing to do, to send her that picture. The minutes began to build up, and still my phone stayed silent, making me begin to think that maybe it still wasn’t the right time to have sent it her. When it got to an hour later, I still found myself staring intently at my phone, waiting for any sign of life.

  “You know it’s not gonna ring if you keep watching it like that,” a voice spoke into my ear, causing me to jump slightly.

  “I know,” I sighed as I lay back on the seat, “but I need confirmation that I didn’t go and make things worse for her.”

  “Sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t think you could make things much worse,” Jack said as he joined me on the couch. I stared at him, making sure that he knew he wasn’t really helping. “Hey, I can’t help if that’s the truth.”

  Running my hands through my hair, I debated with myself out loud. “But what if she was just starting to deal with it, and now seeing that picture’s set her off again? What if she does... that again?”

  “I think a better question would be how are _you_ dealing with it?”

  “Huh?” I was confused, and not just because Jack asked a question that actually sounded half-meaningful for once.

  “We all know that Jodie’s trying to deal with it, but you... you don’t speak about it unless you’re thinking about Jodie.”

  “I can’t afford to think about it,” I muttered to myself.

  “Look,” Jack gave me that look saying that he meant shit, “if you’re actually coping fine with it all, then great, we’ve got no issue, but if you’re just putting on this fucking tough guy act and hiding it, then you need to talk to someone, otherwise you’re gonna have a meltdown, and _that’s_ what you can’t afford to do.” Getting up and heading for the door, I stopped him just as he had his hand on the handle.

  “It hurts every day,” I admitted to him. He turned around and sat back down on the couch before I continued. “The worst thing is that I wasn’t actually there when it happened, that I didn’t get to be one of the people who was there in the last moments of his life. I only ever got to see him for thirty minutes, and I will never see him again.” By the end, my hands were shaking uncontrollably, and it felt like I’d lost control of myself.

  “It’s okay to feel like that, you’re grieving,” Jack told me. “You will be blaming yourself for things that you had no way of preventing.”

  “But if I hadn’t had gone home...”

  “Then everything else still would have happened. I know it sucks to hear it, but there was nothing at all you could have done.” I contemplated this for a moment, just as Zack stuck his head round the door.

  “Hey, sound check’s about to begin in five minutes, so, you know...”

  “Yeah, we’ll be there in ten,” Jack answered, but I got up and headed for the door. “Wait, you sure you’re okay?”

  I shrugged my shoulders. “I’ve got to be, haven’t I? Otherwise I’m letting everyone else down.” Before he had chance to reply to that, I walked away, desperately trying to shake every thought and feeling from my head before it had chance to bury itself deeper.

 

  The next couple of weeks seem to fly by after that – not because everything was going swimmingly well, but because I’d seemed to detach myself from everything that was going on around me. I never did hear back from Jodie about that picture, so I just started to assume that it probably wasn’t the right thing to have done, and that just made me feel even worse. Which wasn’t good since every night after a show, the amount of energy it took me to pretend on stage that everything was going perfectly in my life completely wiped me out.

  After yet another show filled with yet more screaming girls, I needed to take time out to chill, so instead of heading outside to sign autographs and have pictures taken, I headed back to the tour bus, hiding myself away in my bunk. A couple of hours or so later, I heard everyone else come back onto the bus – I got up before they had chance to come and drag me out.

  “I swear they get crazier in each town we play,” Jack said as he noticed me. “Good thing we’ve got a break from it tomorrow. Maybe it’ll give you a chance to properly think things over, Alex.”

  I shrugged my shoulders, wanting to disconnect from my thoughts as much as possible. “Where are we playing next?” I asked, trying to change the subject.

  “How the hell should I know? I can barely remember what I did last night! Hey,” he shouted at Matt, “where’s our next gig?”

  “New York, I think.” As soon as he said that, the blood in my veins seemed to run cold, not wanting to believe that what I was hearing was true.

  “...I’ve got to get there tomorrow.”

  “What?!” Jack stared at me as if I was crazy.

  “I’ve got to go properly talk to her, see how she is. I need to do this.”

  “We’ll never get there in time...” He tried to reason to me, but I already had a back-up plan in my mind.

  “I’ll catch a flight first thing in the morning then. I have to see her Jack, it’s driving me crazy.”

  In the end, it looked like he finally understood me – but that didn’t stop him from throwing a final spanner in the works. “Okay, you might want to see her, but do you think she’ll want to see you? I mean, she never did reply to you...”

  “All I did was ask her to speak to someone – I never said it had to be me.” Still looking as unconvinced as ever, I sighed, and reached for my laptop. “Fine, I’ll ask her right now, okay?”

  “Okay.” Sitting down beside me, Jack actually managed to shut up for more than five seconds, and patiently waited while it loaded up. Once it was ready, I opened up a webcam chat with Jodie – and almost wished that I hadn’t. Clearly she’d forgotten once more that her laptop was still on, and, in full view of the webcam, was opening a pill bottle.

  “What the hell do you think you’re doing?!” I couldn’t help the words that came out of my mouth, especially not since the things that she had done. Freezing like a statue, I heard her quietly swear to herself, before quickly swallowing whatever pills she had in her hand. “You’re going to tell me _right now_ what it is you’ve just taken, Jodie.”

  She turned to face the webcam for the first time, and I saw just how red and puffy her eyes were, instantly causing me to think that I had just witness the worst thing possible happen. “They’re anti-depressants, okay? I’ve been on them for about five weeks now.” Her voice was impossibly quiet, and it seemed like she was about to cry for what I could only imagine to be the millionth time.

  “Why didn’t you say anything about them when I last spoke to you?”

  “Because you don’t need to be worrying about me, you haven’t got time to.” It always made me feel angry whenever Jodie made herself out to be insignificant to myself.

  “I’ve always got time for you, okay? Whatever else I might be doing, you’re always going to be the most important thing to me.” For a moment, she turned away from the screen and quickly wiped the base of her eyes before facing the webcam again.

  “You shouldn’t say things like that Alex,” she whispered, but in some strange way she looked slightly happier than before. “So what did you want to talk about then?”

  “Do I have to have a reason to want to talk to you? Maybe I just miss you like hell.” I paused before asking her the next thing, knowing that her answer could swing either way. “Do you... do you think it would be okay if I came to visit you tomorrow?” The smallest smile appeared on the edge of her lips. “What?” I asked her, finding myself beginning to smile as well.

  “Told you that you had a reason for talking to me.” I couldn’t help but to laugh at that – she knew me too well. “But anyway, how the hell are you going to manage to get up here so quickly?”

  “I’ll catch a flight first thing in the morning. Please,” I pleaded with Jodie, “I’m desperate to see you.”

  “You’re seeing me right now.”

  “I mean in person.” We were both silent for a moment, with Jodie obviously considering it in her mind.

  “...Okay then.” Those two words had made me happier than anything else these past few weeks.

  “Great!” I couldn’t keep the excitement out of my voice. “Well I guess I’ll go book a flight then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, sure. Hey Jack, Soph wants you to call her.”

  “Shit,” he muttered to himself as he stood up and made his way to the back of the bus. “Tell her that I didn’t forget to call because I was too busy getting drunk.”

  “Sure, because she’s gonna believe _that_ in a million years,” Jodie laughed at him. “Bye Alex, see you later.”

  “Bye.” And with that, she was gone, leaving me to be overly excited all on my own. “Hey Matt, book me a flight to New York will you?”

  “I don’t know if someone forgot to tell you or whatever, but I am not, repeat, _not_ your personal slave.”

  Feeling sly, I used the one thing that would make him crumble into my commands. “How much do you think Mickey would like to take a little trip down the toilet?” There was silence for a couple of seconds, but I knew I had got to him.

  “...Fine, but this is _the_ absolutely last time that I do anything for you Gaskarth, understand?”

  “Sure, sure.” I said whilst laughing underneath my breath, though I still couldn’t help being more than a little anxious for tomorrow, when I would end up facing one of my biggest fears – seeing Jodie for the first time in nearly two months.

 

  Being woken up at three in the morning definitely wasn’t the best thing for my mood, but then I remembered why I was doing it, and after that, everything became a lot more bearable – even being mobbed at the airport by a group of screaming fans.

  Grabbing a cup of strong coffee while I waited for my flight to be called, I decided to text Jodie, even though she probably wouldn’t get the chance to read it before I got there. _You have no idea how much this means to me. Thank you x_ Just as I pressed Send, my flight was called, helping me to calm down as it meant that it was only going to be another two and a half hours until I saw Jodie again.

 

  The flight had felt like it had taken an eternity, but eventually I found myself standing outside the apartment, slightly worried if history would repeat itself once more. It took me a couple of seconds until I got up enough courage to knock on the door, but I did it, and patiently waited for the twenty-seven seconds it took for the door to open.

  “Alex,” Jodie was definitely surprised, but also kind of confused at the same time. “I thought you weren’t going to be here until later.” She was struggling to keep her eyes open properly, which then made me feel bad, seeing as I probably woke her up.

  “I can come back a bit later if you want,” I offered, but she shook her head.

  “No, it’s okay. It’s a bit, uh, messy inside though.” When I stepped in through the door, I could see she wasn’t kidding – empty food packages lay everywhere, though there were some that still contained a few crumbs at the bottom of them. Surveying this nearly unbelievable sight, I eventually noticed that Jodie was still in her pyjamas. “I’ll, uh, just go get ready.”

  “Okay then,” I faintly replied, and once I heard the bathroom door close, I got to work on tidying up, finding myself surprised at just how much she could eat within two months. It must have taken me nearly an hour, but eventually I was done. Sitting down with a sigh of relief, I suddenly wondered about what was taking Jodie so long in the bathroom, seeing as she was one of those people who could go from being asleep to out of the door within twenty-five minutes. Cautiously making my way over, I knocked on the bathroom door. “Jodie? Are you okay?” When I received no response, I was picking the lock in an instance, scared that a repeat of what happened previously was waiting for me behind that door. “Jodie...” Luckily, as soon as I swung the door open, what I witnessed before wasn’t waiting for me, but it still desperately broke my heart – Jodie was sat on the floor in the corner, knees pulled into her chest, having a full-blown panic attack. Instantly I was by her side, rubbing her back in an attempt to make her calm down, but it seemed to do little to help. Rushing out into the kitchen, I quickly found a paper bag, and headed back to her, forcing her to breathe into the bag. It took a few minutes, but eventually her breathing returned to normal, so I took the brief opportunity to go and get a drink for her. “Why did you have a panic attack?” I asked as I handed her some water.

  “I don’t know,” she choked out. “It’s just that you’re here and I haven’t seen you since...” After that, she couldn’t say anymore, as a few tears began to trickle from her eyes.

  Holding her in my arms, I rocked her back and forth. “Shh, don’t cry.”

  “All I’ve done lately is cry,” she mumbled to herself. “I never cried several months ago, and now look at me. I’m a fucking wreck.”

  “Don’t say that,” I murmured into her hair, which was still slightly damp. Sniffling, she attempted to stand up, but found that her legs were too shaky to support her by themselves. “I don’t think you’ll be able to walk for a little while,” I told her as I swung her arm round my shoulders, and helped her walk to the couch.

  “Wow, it’s... clean. Why did you do that?”

  Setting her down on the couch, I answered. “Because it _really_ looked like it needed cleaning.” This caused Jodie to giggle to herself.

  “No, I mean _why_. I mean, it’s not like you’re living here or anything at the moment... Plus you hate having to tidy up.”

  “Well maybe I just wanted to do something nice for you.” Maybe I wanted to at least attempt to make up for all the horrible things I did, I thought to myself.

  “Thank you,” she smiled at me, and I couldn’t help but to feel a little better inside. A look of realisation soon passed over Jodie’s face, however, and she tried to stand up.

  “Hey,” I said as I stopped her, “you need to sit down for a bit.” Reluctantly, she sat back down, but still looked incredibly worried. “What do you need?”

  “I, um, need my, um, medication.” As she was speaking, she refused to make eye contact with me, and I instantly realised just how ashamed she felt about having to take anti-depressants.

  “Oh, right. Where are they? I’ll get them for you.”

  “On the table by the side of the bed.” Going into the bedroom, I almost immediately found the pill container, but then stopped when I realised where I was standing – it was the exact same spot where I had received that phone call nearly two months ago. It didn’t feel like that much time had passed, and now I was beginning to regret every wasted second of that time... “Alex? Can’t you find it?”

  I shook my head, snapping myself out of my thoughts. “Got it,” I yelled back. “Do you need a drink or anything with them?” I asked her as I handed over the bottle.

  “Already got one, thanks,” Jodie said while she pointed to the water that I handed her previously. Unscrewing the lid, she picked out two pills, swallowed them, and took a drink afterwards. “You know it doesn’t make taking these things easier when you’re just staring at me like that.”

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to...”

  “Don’t worry about it.” After that, there was an uncomfortable silence between both of us – there was so much that I needed to say to her, but I just couldn’t find the right words to say. “Do you want something to eat?”

  “Is there even any food left?”

  “I’m not that much of a pig, you bastard,” she muttered to herself, but she was smiling at the same time. Tentatively getting up, she made her way into the kitchen, and spent a couple of minutes looking through the cupboards. “...How does ordering pizza sound to you?”

  “At ten in the morning? Sure,” I said as I put my feet up, “why not?”

 

  I let Jodie decide what toppings to get on the pizza, still feeling kind of tired from the very early start. However, by the time it actually arrived, it was a sensible time to be eating pizza, which took most of the fun out of it. Luckily though, the conversation managed to stay positive, and we even laughed a couple of times – I don’t know about her, but I certainly hadn’t been doing any laughing for a while.

  “So how are things going All Time Low-wise then?” Jodie asked me, picking up another slice of pizza.

  “Yeah, it’s going good. We’ve even got a couple of demos for some new songs, so we should be fully working on a new album in the next few months. Actually, I’ve got them on a memory stick if you wanna listen to them now.”

  I watched as her eyes lit up. “Really?”

  “Of course,” I chuckled; standing up to get the memory stick, I noticed that Jodie had tomato sauce on the corner of her mouth. “Um, you’ve got something there...” Without even realising what I was doing, I had placed my hand on her face, and was about to wipe it away. Luckily, I managed to stop myself just in time, and I moved my hand away. “Sorry about that, I didn’t mean to...”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  Making a hasty retreat before I did anything else idiotically stupid, I went into the bedroom to search for the memory stick, only half-remembering where I had put it all those months ago. “A-ha!” I exclaimed when I finally found it, but then realised I didn’t have my laptop to plug it into. Having no other options, I did a very dangerous thing – I asked Jodie if I could borrow her laptop. “Um, can I use your laptop to play the music on? I’ve left mine on the tour bus.” To be honest, I wasn’t holding out much hope, seeing as she _never_ let anyone within a metre of her laptop.

  “Yeah, sure.” Her answer surprised, and confused, me greatly, but I didn’t dare question it, so picked up the laptop and brought it to where Jodie was currently sat, turning it on. Once I’d sat down, Jodie moved closer towards me; I wasn’t sure if she was aware of what she was doing, but I didn’t want to say anything, just in case it made things more awkward between us. When it was finished loading up, I was greeted by her background – one of her and me from a couple of years ago that I could only half-remember having taken. The confusion on my face must have been obvious, as she began to explain to me. “I, um, found that pic and thought that, um, it was quite a good one of us.”

  “It is,” I smiled back at her, and instantaneously she didn’t seem to look so embarrassed about it. Plugging the memory stick in, I watched as a list of songs appeared in front of me. “Right, you can pick three to listen to, and only three, understand?”

  She nodded, and went about scrutinising each song title in great detail. “Hmm... okay, let’s go for Six Feet Under The Stars, Shameless, and... Remembering Sunday.”

  “Um, not Remembering Sunday – it’s still kind of a work in progress.”

  She eyed me suspiciously. “But they’re all works in progress. That’s why they’re demos.” I couldn’t help but to laugh at that.

  “...Yeah okay, I get you. But... choose a different song, please? It’s not quite ready to listen to yet.”

  “ _Fine_. Geez, I never knew you could be so awkward in the morning.” Concentrating intently on the songs again, I couldn’t help but to feel a small sense of relief that I had managed to get away with that. “Okay, I’ll go for Vegas instead, unless you’ve got a problem with that one as well.”

  “No,” I chuckled, “that one’s fine.” I clicked the three songs open in succession, and while they played, Jodie listened intently, taking in all the songs had to offer and more. Once they were finished, I turned back to her. “So, what do you think?”

  “Wow... they’re... wow!” She sat there gobsmacked, unable to form a proper sentence. “Can I keep them? Please?”

  It was nearly impossible to resist her puppy-dog eyes, but I had to do it. “Sorry, I’m not even supposed to have them myself.”

  “Do you not trust me?” That _really_ hurt.

  “...Okay then, I’ll let you have one song.” That smile returned to her face. “But _only_ if you show me what you’ve written lately.”

  “Aw, that’s not fair!” I knew I had Jodie; she _never_ let anybody see what she had written. “...You’re cruel, you realise that right?”

  “Well, I wouldn’t have to be if you weren’t so secretive over it.” We stared at each other, neither one of us wanting to give in to the other.

  Finally, Jodie relented. “Ugh, _fine_ then.” Opening up a file, she decided on a story.

  “Don’t I get any say in this?”

  “Look,” she sighed angrily, “just be grateful I’m even letting you read something, okay? Don’t be getting all picky-ass on me.”

  “Fine, but that means you’re getting Vegas then!”

  “Fine by me!” One glance at her face was enough to set me off into hysterical laughter. “God, I miss doing this.”

  “Doing what?”

  “This. Just... being able to laugh and not having to care about anything.” For a split second she smiled again, but then the realisation dawned on her face, and instantly she started to feel bad.

  “Why do I feel so guilty about being happy,” her voice was barely a whisper, and it looked like she was desperately trying not to cry. Remembering what Jack had told me a couple of weeks ago, I tried to calm her down.

  “You shouldn’t,” I told Jodie as I wrapped my arms around her. “It’s not your fault that everything happened, and it’s not your fault that you’re just trying to move on.” There was silence from her, though she did sniffle a couple of times. “Hey, don’t cry.”

  She shook her head. “It’s... that picture you sent me. Honestly, you have no idea how much it meant to me... it showed me how much you care. Thank you.”

  “It’s okay,” I whispered into her hair, and somewhere, deep down inside of me, I started to feel just the slightest bit less guilty for everything that had happened.

 

  I let Jodie stay quiet for a little bit, having a couple of things that I wanted to think over myself. For me, however, the only thing that was on my mind was how I’d let things get so bad between us – if it wasn’t for me acting like a total idiot, then we would have reached this stage a lot quicker, and we wouldn’t have had to have suffered as much heartache in between as we did. Quite quickly, I found myself wishing that I could go back and change every single little thing that I had done, wishing that I hadn’t wasted all that time.

  “When’s the last time you went outside?” I asked her, trying to move my mind away from the dangerous territory that it was beginning to venture into.

  Puzzled, she simply stared at me. “A couple of weeks ago, I think. Why?”

  “Well it’s a nice day outside. Plus I don’t want you turning into a vampire now.” I knew saying that to her would influence her decision in my favour.

  “ _Never_ call me that again, or that pretty head of yours won’t stay so pretty for much longer. Understand?” Her face was deathly serious as she said it, but I still couldn’t help a small laugh that escaped from my mouth.

  “Come on, let’s get you out into the real world.” Jodie tried to slap me on the arm, but I jumped back and made her miss by a mile, causing her to pout, which just made me laugh even more. Grabbing a couple of things, she was out of the door in a matter of seconds, glancing back to make sure that I was following her. “So, where do you wanna go then?” I asked her – she gave me that look telling me that she wasn’t impressed. “What?”

  “Don’t ask me that when you’re the one who wanted to come out in the first place.”

  “No,” I corrected her, “I dragged you out because you seem like you haven’t seen any sunlight for a couple of years, but I’m being nice and letting you pick where we go. So take advantage of it, okay?”

  With a devilish grin plastered across her face, she made her decision. “Okay then, I want to go to the bookstore then.”

  “...You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” Jodie knew just how much I hated having to spend hours on end in a shop, whereas she was the complete opposite to me.

  “Hey, you shouldn’t have given me a choice then,” she coyly smiled at me, causing those butterflies to briefly start up again.

  So then we went to the bookstore, and even though I was nearly bored to death, I knew it was making Jodie happy because she didn’t speak once for the entire two hours that we were in there, and that alone was enough to keep me from going and shooting myself. “It would have been quicker if you’d just read them in the shop,” I told her as we came out, two new books in her hand. “So what do you want to do next then?” The happiness that was on her face seemed to evaporate in an instance. “What, what’s wrong?”

  She seemed uncertain in her answer. “...I’m not sure if I should say it.”

  “Why? Look,” I reached for her hand, “whatever you wanna do, it’s fine with me, promise.”

  Pausing for a second, Jodie managed to find what she wanted to say. “I want... I want to go to the cemetery.”

  “Ah.” I held her hand tighter, not really sure what I was supposed to be feeling myself. Letting her lead, we were both quiet for the entire walk, neither of us knowing what to say to the other – but I never let go of her hand, with it being the only thing that offered any sort of comfort at that moment.

  When we arrived, the place didn’t feel haunting or creepy or anything like that; instead, it just felt very... peaceful, like this was somewhere where I could find some sort of closure. “It’s over here,” she barely managed to whisper. Walking just a few steps from where we came in, we were there, stood in front of our son’s grave.

  “Are you going to be okay?” I asked her, not wanting to have to witness her cry again.

  She nodded, keeping the silence between us. It felt almost unreal, being stood here – but at the same time, it brought me back to reality, a sense that all of this was the harsh truth beginning to wash over me. Several minutes must have passed before she said anything again. “I should have called.”

  “Huh?”

  “I should have called,” Jodie said as she spun round to face me. “I was trying to get through it on my own. It worked for a bit, but then... I got stuck in this place, and I didn’t know what to do next, but then when you started to talk to me on webcam, everything just felt... more right than before.” Those words knocked me speechless – I never expected her to say anything like that to me again in a million years. “Uh, Alex, you okay? Please say something so I don’t feel as stupid as I probably look right now...”

  “No,” I stopped her, “you’re not being stupid. It’s exactly how I was feeling – trying to get through something by yourself is practically impossible, because you’re always going to need someone to talk to about all the crap that you’re feeling.” Glancing back at Jodie’s face, I saw that she was a little surprised. “What?”

  Shaking her head, she replied. “Nothing, it’s just... I had no idea that you’d grown so much in two months.” That smile that she gave me made me feel that I had eventually gotten something right, just for once.

  After that, we went back to the apartment – even if she didn’t want to admit it, I could tell Jodie was exhausted, and I was pretty tired myself too. The walk back was just as silent, but this time, it didn’t feel as uncomfortable, which I thought was definitely an improvement. We made it back, and the first thing that both of us did was sit on the couch – well, I sat while Jodie half-lay. “Why don’t you go to sleep,” I told her. “You look like you need it.”

  “No,” she tried to stifle back a yawn, “I’ll be fine.”

  “...Okay,” I said, disbelieving of her, “but you’re not allowed to fall asleep on me, okay?”

  It looked like she was more than willing to accept the challenge. “Pfft, you say that like it’s a hard thing to do.”

  Two minutes later, I felt her head lean on my shoulder; when I looked at her, I saw her eyelids begin to flutter as she desperately tried to fight off sleep. “I didn’t think it would take you _this_ long to fall asleep,” I muttered sarcastically in her ear.

  “Meh, you’re just a good pillow.”

  Just before she fell completely asleep, I wrapped my arms around her, and I swear I heard the smallest mumble come from Jodie, but before I could be sure, she had fallen asleep. “Don’t worry,” I whispered, but it was more for my benefit than anything else, “I’m not going anywhere anytime soon.” She nuzzled in closer to me, so I took that as a sign that I wasn’t the only one who wanted us to work again.


	4. Chapter 4

**_ Jodie’s POV _ **

  The next morning, I woke up in bed – and I had no idea how I got there. Trying desperately to rack my brain for any sort of answer, the only thing I could remember was falling asleep on the couch with Alex... A small gasp managed to escape from my mouth, as everything from the previous day came back to me. Before I could stop it, a wave of guilt washed over me. What was I thinking? I asked myself. I shouldn’t be feeling happy, not after how I’d failed everyone so, so badly.

  For a moment, I considered going into the living room and talking to Alex, but I knew that he wouldn’t have stayed, taking the first opportunity to escape from me. Beginning to feel the tears form, I reached for my phone and scrolled through until I found the picture, that one sole image that could change my mood in an instant. At first, it helped to calm me down and the tears receded, but that didn’t last for very long, and soon enough I was crying for the millionth time, trying to keep as quiet as possible.

  Mere moments later, however, the door cracked open. “Hey, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t find any words to answer back, and the next thing I knew, Alex was sat next to me on the bed, holding me while I wept. I’m guessing that he noticed my phone, from what he said next. “I’m not saying you need to let go, but you need to stop blaming yourself for it. It wasn’t your fault, it wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t anybody’s fault – as hard as it may be to hear, it’s one of those things that happens sometimes.”

  “I know,” I gargled back. “I know there’s nothing I could have done... But then I start thinking about how he should still be inside me, not laying in a fucking grave. It’s not fair, I should have died instead.”

  His grip tightened on me considerably. “No you shouldn’t have. Nobody should have.” Taking a moment, Alex slowly lessened his grip. “I hate it when you say that,” he mumbled into my hair – I had no response for that.

  “I don’t cry as much each day now,” I told him, hoping it would sort of change the topic. “It used to be like ten or more times, but now there are days when I only cry once. That’s got to be an improvement, right?”

  However, Alex didn’t seem quite as impressed at this. “Maybe it’s the medication. Have you taken it yet?”

  “Shit! I forgot to take it last night! Oh crap...” Jumping out of bed, I started frantically searching around for my pills. “Where the fuck have you gone?” In the midst of my frenzy, I felt two hands on my shoulders, stopping me in an instant.

  “Calm down Jodie,” he told me in that soothing tone of voice, “you left them on the coffee table when you took them yesterday.”

  “Oh.” Standing up, I could feel the blush starting to slowly creep in on my cheeks, hating myself for behaving like such a twat. “Sorry, it’s just...”

  “You’ve got nothing to apologise for,” he said as he steered me into the living room. “I just worry about you, if I’m allowed to do that.” Sitting down, I grabbed the pills and forced them down my throat, wincing at the bitterness of them.

  “There. Now all my problems are solved by a couple of white circles.” He stared at me disapprovingly. “What? It’s what everyone else says.”

  “Are you going to be okay?”

  “Well I’ve survived this long, so I think it’s not going to be that hard from now on.” Alex stared at the floor. “Why, why do you want to know?”

  Awkwardly, he explained. “I was just... I wanted to know if you would come to the gig tonight.” I don’t think that it was a surprise from anyone that I was shocked at this, but still...

  “Sure.” I had no idea why that came out of my mouth, and apparently neither did Alex.

  “...Really? I wasn’t sure if you would come along.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a slightly crumpled ticket, handing it to me.

  “Thanks...” Before I had chance to say anything else, his phone began to vibrate. As he checked the screen, his face dropped just the slightest bit. “What is it?”

  “They’ve just arrived here, so I’ve gotta go meet up with them for sound check and everything,” Alex sighed as he stood up and walked over to the door. “Look,” he turned round to face me again, “I know you didn’t have to agree to meet me so... thanks.”

  “It was nothing,” I said as I made my way over to the door, and stood just in front of where Alex was – his face had the cutest grin on it, and his eyes were sparkling like they used to before. That, combined with that expression of utter happiness he was giving me, caused me to melt inside slightly... and that’s when I found myself kissing him, my hands beginning to run through his soft, luscious hair. It was over as soon as it began, however, and I pulled back, having no idea why I’d just done that. “I’m sorry, I – I don’t know why...”

  Looking as, if not more, shocked than me, he let out a breath that he had been holding onto. “You don’t need to apologise... So I’ll see you tonight then?” Desperately he tried to change the subject.

  “Yeah,” I said as I unlocked the door for him, “I’ll see you tonight.” Letting him out, Alex smiled at me one last time, and then he was gone. As soon as I couldn’t see him anymore, I slammed the door shut, rushed to grab my phone, and called the first number that came up on my previously dialled list. As I waited for her to pick up, I cursed her love of sleep.

  “Hello?” Emma’s voice was slightly scratchy, which I knew meant that she had only just woken up.

  “Emma, I need you and Soph to come round here right now.” I heard her sigh heavily, accompanied by a yawn.

  “Give me three hours, okay? I need a little more sleep...”

  “It’s important,” I pleaded with her. “Alex just left and I... I did something really stupid.”

  That made her pay more attention. “Wait, what? Alex was there?”

  “Yeah, he was here all day yesterday and left this morning... Look,” I shook my head, trying to stop myself getting distracted, “just get round here, okay?”

  “Yeah, sure. I’ll be there in half an hour.” Saying our goodbyes, I hung up on her, and had a similar conversation with Soph, though she seemed more concerned over the whereabouts of Jack than anything else. Anxiously I waited for them, and I couldn’t help but to be a bit more than a little confused over everything that had happened in the past couple of days.

 

  “So wait, back up here,” Soph managed to speak in between eating all my cookies, “he comes round here, says all that stuff, and expects you to be eating from the palm of his hand? Well, lemme tell you something, he’s got another thing coming to him if that’s how he thinks it’s gonna work...”

  “You’re not listening to her,” Emma sighed for what must have been the hundredth time that hour. “All that stuff she did, she did it because it felt natural to her.”

  “Well she certainly didn’t feel any of that when he went and slept with that slut.” As soon as I heard that, my face winced up, the pain of it still too raw for me. “Sorry,” Soph apologised, “I didn’t mean to bring it up.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” I mumbled back. “Look, all I need to know is what you guys think I should do. I mean, everything he did... but then he shows up here and then everything starts to feel more normal... I even managed to get away with it when I forgot to take my medication last night. Normally I’d be sitting in the dark crying...”

  “Well maybe it’s not the medication making you feel better,” Emma suggested.

  “What do you mean by that?”

  Turning to face me, she explained. “I think it’s pretty obvious from what you’ve told us what’s happening with you. Jodie,” she grabbed my hands tightly, “I think you’re still in love with Alex.”

  “What?” I ripped my hands away from her. “No, that’s impossible, I couldn’t be, not after... not after what he did...”

  “Jodie.” This time, it came from Soph. “It’s obvious to anyone. I don’t think it would be right if you two weren’t together.”

  “Aww, that’s really sweet Soph,” Emma wrapped her arm around her shoulders.

  “Doesn’t mean that I don’t still think he’s a douche.” And perfect moment perfectly destroyed... “Anyway, the point is, you still feel something for him, and if you can still have that after what’s happened, then I think it’s safe to say that you two are for keeps.”

  By now, my head was more confused than it had ever been. “But...”

  “Why else would you have agreed to go tonight, hmm?” Sadly, I couldn’t argue with Emma’s logic for once. “Exactly, so stop arguing with us and accept the truth. Now, who wants food?” I facepalmed, knowing that that girl only ever had sleep and food on the brain. No, wait, she only ever had sleep, food, and _Zack_ on the brain, and not necessarily in that order.

 

  For the second day in a row I ordered pizza for lunch (because otherwise I would have had to deal with two _very_ grumpy people, and I didn’t need that right now), but I just couldn’t seem to eat – which didn’t really matter, seeing as they both managed to polish the pizza off between the two of them.

  “Come on, you’ve got to eat something,” Emma tried to convince me, but I didn’t understand why she was doing it, seeing as it meant she got more food. “I will actually force-feed you something if I have to.”

  “I’m not hungry.”

  “And you think that Alex isn’t going to have a heart attack when you faint half-way through the set?” She had me there, so I gave in and grabbed a cookie to eat, though she still looked at me disapprovingly.

  “What, what’s wrong now?”

  “You think you’re going to last on a _cookie_?” They were both ganging up on me now, and I knew I had no chance of winning at all.

  “Well if I eat anymore than this, then I’m going to throw up,” I stated blankly. Staring at each other and giving ‘the look’, they decided against pursuing it any further and left me to my own misery. Luckily, it only took a few minutes for me to get back to my normal (okay, hyper) self, when I started to ask about where all the pizza had disappeared to, causing them to both facepalm at exactly the same moment. What, I couldn’t help it if I was hungry _now_!

  “So,” Soph casually asked me, “what are you going to wear tonight?”

  “Oh what, there’s a dress-code now?”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “Surely you want to look _nice_ for him.”

  “...And I can’t do that in skinny jeans?” Briefly glancing at each other, Soph and Emma stood up at the same time, before picking me up by arms and dragging me off into my bedroom. “No, put me down, NOW!!!” I demanded, but it did nothing to stop them, and they chucked me onto the bed, prior to raiding my wardrobe and cupboards, and dumping every item of clothing that I owned on top of me.

  “Right, you go through tops, and I’ll do bottoms,” Emma ordered Soph, and soon enough they got to work, sorting through everything and dividing them into two separate, equally messy, piles.

  “Hey, I’ve still gotta wear those, you know!” But they continued to ignore me, until their task was completely finished. “Hello, can you hear me?”

  It was apparent that they couldn’t. “Grab that skirt Soph.” Doing as she was told, there was a skirt flung into Emma’s face. “Now, if we just put this with a t-shirt and jacket...” It was then my turn to have clothes thrown at me again. “Go, try it on. And don’t come back to us without it on saying that you didn’t like it, because I won’t believe you, do you understand?”

  “Sir, yes sir,” I muttered under my breath, just before I locked the bathroom door behind me. As slowly as I physically could, I changed into Emma’s pre-determined outfit, but I didn’t dare to so much as glance at myself in the mirror. Finally deciding that I had spent long enough hiding from my inevitable fate, I unlocked the door, only to be greeted by Soph and Emma grinning at me manically. “Oh God, what?” Looking over every inch of my body, I tried to find out what was wrong with me.

  “Nothing,” Emma spoke confidently. “In fact... it’s the complete opposite! You look _fabulous_ darling, even if I do say so myself.” Allowing myself a brief moment to smile, she dragged me back into my bedroom, this time to attempt to tackle the mountain that was my hair.

  “Good thing there’s another four hours to go,” Soph muttered loud enough for all of us to hear, “your hair’s gonna take at least that long to straighten. And then there’s make-up...”

  “Oh my God guys,” I began to stress, “this isn’t a make-or-break sort of thing, you know!” Neither of them said anything, which made it pretty clear to me that they thought otherwise. “Look,” I explained, “I have no intentions of getting back with him. Maybe in a few months, yeah, I might consider it then, but certainly not right now.”

  The only sound that could be heard was the sizzling of the hair straighteners, working through my tangle of hair. “I think,” Emma eventually spoke up, “I think that you just don’t realise what we can all see, and it’s pretty obvious to me and Soph at least.”

  “But...” I had no comeback to that.

 

  It actually only took Emma half an hour to straighten my hair, and then her and Soph took off when I reminded them both of their respective boyfriends who they probably wouldn’t get to see for another month after today, which left me all alone for the remaining time to be spent worrying like mad and attempting to do my own make-up – definitely not the best combination. Several times I had to move the eyeliner away from my face and tell myself to breathe, that everything would be okay and go back to normal after tonight... but I just couldn’t seem to believe that anymore. What was wrong with me? I was so certain, and now... now I didn’t know what I wanted, or needed, now. Was it true, what those two had said? Was it really that obvious that I still wanted Alex in my life? I didn’t know, and I certainly didn’t have the time to try and work it out now. Telling myself to just calm the fuck down, I picked up the eyeliner again, and began to mentally prepare myself for what was to come.

 

  For the last fifteen minutes I had been sat staring at the clock, wishing that I could change time – I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to go back in time or hurry up or even just stop altogether. Sadly, I could do none of these, and sure enough it was time for me to leave to go to the venue, for me to determine what would happen between us after this. Every step that I took towards the venue, I kept convincing myself more and more that this was a bad idea, that I should turn around and head back home now... But I knew that if I did that, I would be letting Alex down, and I just couldn’t do that to him. Once my feet had found their way to where I needed to be, I headed to the _very_ back of the queue, not wishing to draw attention to myself tonight by going in ahead of everyone else (yeah, he would have done that if I’d asked him), though there was also the fact that I thought it would be better because then he wouldn’t be able to see my every facial expression if I was right at the back, and that fact helped me to relax somewhat.

  About half an hour later, the line began to move, and I knew that it was now or never for me to get my head together – I had to make it look like I could handle having a normal life, getting on with things that other people never gave a second thought to. Handing my ticket to the person on the door, I walked inside, and found a space that was as physically far away from the stage as was possible, but for some strange reason, I still made sure that I could be seen. All around me, teenage fans were excitedly discussing the upcoming night’s events, with many rumours flying around the place. I think that the funniest one I heard was that Alex was going to propose to someone tonight.

  Eventually, once all the support acts were out of the way, All Time Low made their way to the stage in their usual dramatic fashion, and they started off the set with Coffee Shop Soundtrack – one of my favourites. Before I knew it, I felt a massive grin spread across my face, and I was even singing along with the words. The song finished, everyone cheered, and they dove straight into the next one. This pattern seemed to repeat itself for several songs (unless they stopped to let Jack talk about something that only he’d talk about), until it got to the part of the set where they slowed it down. Everyone apart from Alex left the stage, and he stood behind his microphone, acoustic guitar in hand.

  “Right, I know that I’m not supposed to, but I’m going to give you all a sneak preview of one of the songs from our upcoming album. This...” The words after that seemed to get caught in his throat.

  “Come on Alex,” I whispered to no-one in particular. “Don’t get stage fright now.”

  He recovered, and I’m pretty sure that half of the girls in the audience were aww-ing at his slight slip-up. “This song had been a sort of therapy for me, when I was writing it. It helped me to get through something in my own life, and I hope that it helps you in your own. It’s called Remembering Sunday, and it goes a little something like this.” At that moment in time, I had never been more gobsmacked, not willing to believe what I was actually hearing – unless there was something that he hadn’t told me about, then this was about us. For a second time that night, I contemplated making an escape, but I resisted, telling myself that I needed to listen to the song that Alex had pretty much poured his heart and soul into.

  Just before starting, he scanned the crowd, and when his eyes met mine, he gave me his signature smile, the one that told me that this was everything to him, and nothing would make him change his mind over it. Taking a breath, Alex started.

  “He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes,  
Started making his way past two in the morning;  
He hasn't been sober for days.  
  
Leaning now into the breeze,  
Remembering Sunday, he falls to his knees.  
They had breakfast together,  
But two eggs don't last  
Like the feeling of what he needs.  
  
Now this place seems familiar to him –  
She pulled on his hand with a devilish grin.  
She led him upstairs, she led him upstairs,  
Left him dying to get in.  
  
Forgive me, I'm trying to find  
My calling, I'm calling at night;  
I don't mean to be a bother,  
But have you seen this girl?  
She's been running through my dreams  
And it's driving me crazy it seems,  
I'm going to ask her to marry me.”

  I had only just been managing to hold it together, but when I heard that last line in the chorus, I knew I had to escape, and fast. Practically sprinting out, bumping into several people on the way, I made it outside before I started to cry. From then on, I just walked, making sure I got as far away from that place as I possibly could, cursing myself for not realising that my heart wasn’t fully healed enough to deal with any of this yet.


	5. Chapter 5

**_ Alex’s POV _ **

  I saw it when Jodie ran out when I wasn’t even half-way through Remembering Sunday; I couldn’t have missed it if I wanted to. However, I couldn’t just run after her and make her stop. There were too many people here for me to do that. Forcing myself to play the rest of that song was a complete and utter torture, but I had to do it, I had to get it out there and make people hear it, so they knew that anybody could feel like that. Once the eternity had finished, I made good use of the crowd being distracted by everyone else coming back on stage to text Jodie – even though I didn’t know what I could say to make her not run away, I had to try something, anything. _I know that you still might not be ready to deal with this all, but please, wait for me on the bridge – you know which one I mean._ Pressing send, I knew there was nothing else that I could do, so I simply pushed it to one side for the moment, and concentrated on entertaining the audience, making them feel like they were the most important thing to me right there and then.

 

  After our encore, I pretty much ran off in the direction of the bridge where I asked Jodie to wait for me, praying that against all odds, she would be there. At first glance, there wasn’t another soul in sight, but once I got closer, I saw that she was sitting down, her back up against the wall.

  “I wasn’t sure if you would be here,” I said as I approached her.

  “I feel bad enough as it is for running out of there – it would have made me a total bitch not to let you see me.” She stood up, balancing herself with one hand.

  “Why did you?”

  “Huh?” She stared at me, her eyes wide.

  “Why did you run away?”

  Jodie understood what I meant that time, and so could barely bring herself to look me in the eye. “It’s just... that song... it’s like it’s personal to you, and I... I feel like I shouldn’t be allowed to hear it, like it should be off-guard to me.”

  “But I _want_ you to hear it,” I explained. “It’s the only way I could get my thoughts out and organise them, and I wanted to show you that I wasn’t some stupid, selfish jerk who had never heard of emotions.”

  “Alex,” she reached for my hand, “I never thought you were a jerk.”

  “You always asked me why I didn’t show how I was feeling though.”

  Sighing lightly, she carried on. “I was worried you weren’t telling me because you didn’t want anyone to see that side of you or something.”

  For what I said next, I had to stare her straight in the eye, so I knew that she was listening to the words I was saying. “Every night I have to tell crowds of hundreds of people how I’m feeling, and I have to show them what I’ve felt in the past, whether it be the happiest moment of my life or the time when I’ve felt most alone. The only reason why I don’t really talk about things a lot is because I know that music is my best form of therapy – I’m never saying that I don’t care about something.” After that, Jodie remained silent. “That’s not the only reason you ran, is it?”

  Before speaking, she took a breath. “When you got to that last line in the chorus... I don’t know, it just made me remember what I did and... and...” She couldn’t say anything more as she broke down, ripping her hand away from mine in an attempt to hide the tears.

  “Don’t cry,” I softly spoke whilst I wrapped my arms around her shaking body. “It’s all in the past now, okay? You’re still here now, and that’s all that matters.” With no response coming from Jodie, I began to stroke her hair, and some strange flashback came to me, of how I was doing this all those months ago when I found her in the bathroom with the knife – it didn’t feel good to remember it, and suddenly I started to understand why Jodie had been tearing herself up about it. It sort of made me feel worse though, knowing that there wasn’t much that I could have done to help her, and the things that would have helped I didn’t even bother trying.

  I was so distracted and wrapped up in my own thoughts, that I almost didn’t hear her when she spoke. “I forgive you Alex.”

  “What?” I pulled back, so I could look at her face.

  “I forgive you. For when you...” It still seemed like the pain of it was too fresh for her to deal it, which made it all the more confusing.

  “But what I... what I did...”

  Also noticing my confusion, Jodie explained everything to me. “Being apart from you for these past few months made me realise that I still need you in my life, plus the fact that we’ve been together for so long now, I can’t imagine not having you around.”

  I was completely and utterly dumbstruck by this all, but I didn’t let that get in the way of what I wanted, no, _needed_ to say. “I don’t think there was ever an option of us breaking up – you mean too much to me for that to happen. And there isn’t a day where I don’t think about you, which made it worse when I didn’t speak to you for all that time...” But before I could say anymore, Jodie placed a finger to my lips, soon replacing it with her own lips – it felt like it was back when I kissed her for the first time, being soft and delicate, but cautious at the same time, except there was definitely more of an air of need to it, both of us wondering why all of this had happened to us in the first place, keeping us apart for so long.

  All too soon, however, it was over, but that didn’t mean that I wasn’t happy – far from it actually. Once again, I could call her mine.


	6. Chapter 6

**_ Jodie’s POV _ **

**_ 2 years later _ **

  Trying to stay as silent as I could, I took as many pictures of Alex asleep in his bunk on the tour bus with Minnie also asleep on his chest as possible – what, it was freaking adorable! Especially when they both seemed to have the same expression on each of their faces... However, that idiot known as Jack decided to come up behind me and scare me shitless, causing me to scream very loudly. Needless to say, they didn’t stay asleep for much longer, and Jack scarpered as fast as he could so that I was the one left to take the blame.

  “What are you doing exactly?” Alex asked sleepily, rubbing his eyes whilst trying to sit up – and then he noticed the wriggling baby that was on him.

  “Nothing,” I innocently said, quickly making sure that my phone was hidden from sight. “Just making sure that Jack hadn’t got anywhere near my daughter.”

  “Hey,” he yawned as he picked up Minnie, “she’s mine too, and Jack’s actually really good with kids.” I eyed him suspiciously, knowing that there was probably something he was hiding from me. “Don’t give me that look, he really is! Well, he needs to be, seeing as he has the same mental age...”

  I stopped Alex before he could say anything else. “Let’s just say that _his_ idea of ‘entertainment’ isn’t appropriate for Minnie just yet.” Opening his mouth to reply back, he knew that I was right, and so dropped the subject. “So how long have you got left here then?”

  “We’re leaving in about half an hour, and then we’ve got thirty-seven shows in front of us for three months straight.” Motioning for me to join him, I crawled into the bunk and lay down next to him, before he pulled the curtain closed. “It’s gonna be hell without you,” he said as he put an arm around my shoulders.

  “Same here. Damn you for being so talented.” Chuckling to himself, Alex pulled me closer.

  “Well a musician’s nothing if they don’t have inspiration,” he said as he placed his lips against my forehead, letting them linger there for a moment longer than needed.

  “Hey Gaskarth,” Matt yelled, effectively ending our private moment. “I need you here.”

  “I know you want me Matt,” he yelled back, “but I’ve already got someone.” I couldn’t help but to smile at that, no matter how cheesy it was. “Plus I think Mickey would be jealous of our thing.”

  I could actually hear Matt sighing. “Just get out from there now.”

  “Fine, fine,” Alex muttered, handing Minnie to me before crawling out of the bunk. “I’ll be back in a few minutes, promise.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Actually, I think I’ll head outside and see where Soph and Emma have got to.” Trying to stand up whilst juggling Minnie, I felt his hands around my waist, helping me up. “Thank you.”

  “No problem,” he said as he gave me one last hug before heading off to wherever Matt was.

  Making my way out into the glorious sunshine, I saw Soph almost immediately. “Hey, where’s Emma?”

  “She disappeared somewhere, and I haven’t seen Zack around for a bit either.” No further explanation than that was needed; what, it was Emma we were talking about!

  “Ah right.” Joining her where she was sat on the grass, I took off my hoodie and placed it over Minnie so she didn’t get sunburnt.

  For a few minutes, we just sat there, enjoying the view that was in front of us. “You know,” Soph broke the peaceful silence, “you’ve really... I don’t know how to describe it, but you really have gotten happier after... everything that happened.” I stared at her, confused by what she meant. “No no, I don’t mean it in a bad way, I mean... before, you were acting like there was nothing left for you to live for, and now you’ve pretty much got it all made, what with a kid and engagement ring... I don’t even think Jack knows how to spell engagement, never mind know what it is.”

  “It’s not all about having it ‘made’, you know. All that matters is that I know he’s there for me, no matter what.” Looking over at her, I saw that her face had a small smile on it, like she knew that things were going to be okay for her as well.

  Staying there for a bit longer, I think I fell asleep for a couple of minutes, before a shadow loomed over me. “Wake up sleepy head, otherwise you’re gonna get sunburnt.” Feeling slightly groggy, I opened my eyes tentatively, scared that the sun would blind me.

  “Well I’d rather get sunburnt than Minnie.” Sitting down beside me, Alex produced a headband from somewhere and placed it on her head – it was a Minnie Mouse bow, complete with ears. “Oh my God, that’s adorable! Where did you get it from?”

  Grumbling, he answered. “Matt saw it somewhere and bought it, and he gave it to me just to give to Minnie.”

  “I love it. You know, I never thought of doing that before! Now I’m going to have to get her a dress to go with it...” Briefly glancing at him, I saw he had that ‘I’m going to murder him’ look plastered all over his face. “Come on, you have to admit it’s cute.” He stayed silent, adamant that his initial thoughts were still correct.

  “Okay everyone,” a voice shouted, “we’ve got five minutes before we’re heading off.” Looking back at me, Alex took Minnie out of my arms and handed her to Soph.

  “Can you look after her for a few minutes please? I want to talk to Jodie in private for a moment.”

  “Sure.” Grabbing my hand, he took me to the back of the bus, completely away from everyone else. As he stopped, he put his hands on either side of my face and leant in for a slow kiss, not letting go for several minutes.

  “What was that for?” I asked with a smile when it was over.

  “I have to have a reason to want to kiss you now?” A cheeky grin spread across his face. “How about because I love you like mad and I don’t know how I’m going to survive without you.”

  “Well you manage each time you go on tour, or spend weeks at a time recording.” Thinking that I had been hurt by all this, he wrapped his arms around my waist, but didn’t pull me close to him. “What’s wrong?”

  Alex’s expression turned slightly more serious. “I don’t want to be away from you any longer. As soon as we get back, we’re going to get married, and we’re gonna do it however you want. Even if you wanna get married in Vegas, I’ll be happy as long as you’re happy about it.”

  “Just knowing you’re still here is enough for me.” Finally, he pulled me into that hug, and we stayed like that for a while, with him stroking my hair every-so-often. However, it didn’t last for very long, as we were interrupted by, guess who.

  “Hey Alex,” Jack called out, “stop being so girly and get your ass round here so we can go tour!”

  “Shut it, you asshole!” With the moment effectively over, we walked back to everyone else, hand-in-hand the whole way. Everyone was saying their final goodbyes, and I quickly went to grab Minnie.

  “So do you have any last wise words for your daughter, or is that asking a bit too much of your brain?”

  “You trying to call me stupid?” I smirked at this. “Okay then, I’ve got something. Minnie, try not to be too much trouble while I’m gone, but if there’s something that you really want, then keep crying until she gives into you.” Obviously, he looked please with his little speech, but I was less than impressed. “And if she gives you that look,” he whispered into her ear, “it means it’s working.”

  “Remind me never to leave you two alone again.” Pretending to look hurt, everyone began to get onto the bus. “Do you really have to go?” Okay, I know it was the world’s stupidest question, but I needed to ask it anyway.

  “Unless I want to get murdered by thousands of fans, then yeah, kinda.” Giving me and Minnie one last kiss, Alex followed everyone else onto the bus, mouthing ‘I love you’ to me one last time before the door shut behind him.

  Waving them off, I couldn’t help but to smile insanely, knowing in my heart that I had someone who was never going to hurt me again, but more importantly, who was always going to be there for me, no matter what.


End file.
